The gender wars on how men should love women and
how women should love men have flooded the blogosphere. Often, several readers inbox
me soliciting my advice as well. I frequently point them to the scriptures and
the responses are not very exciting. Perhaps they wanted some avant-garde view
that had never been heard of before. They hoped I would quote Oprah and not
Jesus. They wanted some fresh relationship mojo, maybe. But the truth is there
is nothing new under the sun. My wife and I point to the scriptures because we
have seen the results in our own lives; the scriptures have potency to
invigorate the intimacy between a man and a woman unlike anything else. The
Word is alive. With regard to marriage, the scriptures parallel God’s love for
humanity to that of a man loving his wife. Throughout the Old Testament God
describes the idolatry of man as the infidelity of a bride to her faithful
groom. However, most profound is Ephesians 5:25, in the New Testament, that
parallels Christ loving the church and a man loving his wife. I have come to
see that every pint of wisdom necessary for our marriages lies in studying the
man Christ Jesus. His life is undoubtedly the richest template for every man
and woman to express love to each other in marriage. The studies from all
his recorded life could take eons to analyze. However today I’d like to draw a
key lesson from just one verse. Married couples can enrich their
marriages in following Christ’s example in Mark 10:45.
In Mark 10:45, the scriptures speak about Jesus
saying, “For even the Son of Man did not
come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Christ, the groom, came for us the Bride with a
focus on service not reception. Reception brings thoughts of bliss. Service brings thoughts of work. If you were to distribute bliss
and work in an ideal marriage, what percentage would you give bliss? What
percentage would you give work? When Turi and I walked down the aisle we were looking
forward to the joys of marriage. Our dating and courting evenings ended at the
bus-stage so we were looking forward to marriage where we would go home
together. Our coffee dates were limited by restaurant closing hours so we
looked forward to our own living-room and home-made hot chocolate. We both
loved children and wanted some of our own so we were looking forward to starting
a family together. All this is bliss! It is often the idea of what life should be when you get married. And bliss is good, Beloved! But Mark 10:45 is
challenging our marriage dream to go beyond the Disney themes. Christ is on earth wooing his bride and all we
see is work. The following are two common unhealthy responses concerning bliss
and work that our pop-culture endorses.
Unhealthy
response one: Bliss 100% Work 0%
There are countless people in our
generation who are genuinely sold into televised romance. You mention marriage
and work and it’s like you’re talking about a fish living outside the water. If
you want to know this to be true, conduct a poll asking random people who
believe this statement: "Once I meet my soul mate, we will have no issues."
Beloved, you will be surprised that thousands who walk down the aisle every weekend believe it. Thousands get the shock of their lives. Ravi Zacharias once said,
"A marriage is a full-time job
without a vacation. Choose wisely." One
myth that my wife and I often hear from some newlywed couples when they hit a
snag in their relationship is that they never imagined struggling with basic
things such as lack of exclusivity, poor boundaries, hints of unfaithfulness, horrible communication etc.
They thought things would be natural. My friend met a lady whose boyfriend got
her the wrong gift on her birthday. When the boyfriend asked her what kind of
gifts she would like, she got angry and said, “I can’t tell you that! That won’t be
romantic!” The lady later expressed that since they were in love, her boyfriend
should naturally know what gift she wanted. What she means is “I should not
work in this relationship if it’s meant to be. If it’s not like Alejandro and
Maria on a TV soap opera it is not love.” How unfortunate! Beloved, the only
natural thing after starting a relationship is a break-up. Everything else must
be intentional. Boundaries with the opposite sex won't be kept naturally.
Purity won't be observed naturally. Faithfulness won't be established
naturally. Exclusivity won't be maintained naturally. Friendship won’t grow naturally.
Good communication won't occur naturally. Romance won’t bud naturally. All
these pillars that support a great man-woman union must be done intentionally,
purposefully and diligently, if you want a thriving relationship, you must
work. If you think working on boundaries, purity, faithfulness, friendship,
good communication and romance is unromantic, you’re not ready to walk down the
aisle. Jesus is giving us the template in Mark 10:45 “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and
to give his life as a ransom for many.” The template is service.
If you enter marriage placing your feet
up and waiting to be served, you inevitably begin strolling down the path of
irreconcilable differences. When you make the pursuit of bliss the ultimate
goal of your marriage, you lose it or catch a poor glimpse of it. When you make
the pursuit of service the ultimate goal of your marriage, you get bucket loads
of bliss from your partner, especially if they are walking with God. The
lasting pleasures of marriage are often the result of selflessness and
sacrificed service without strings attached to. I don’t rub my wife’s back
because I need her to do me a favour. I rub her back because she likes it. Beloved,
you did not say "I do" to be the recipient of your partner's doing; rather,
you said "I do" so as to do the very things you fantasized being done
for in a successful marriage. The reason many do not have this etched deeply in
their hearts when they plan to get married is because everyone is thinking, “Marriage
will make me happy!” Marriage is there to give ME, bless ME and entertain ME. But
remember Mark 10:45 “For even the Son of
Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom
for many.” Perhaps God's plan for marriage is not meant to make us happy. Perhaps it is meant
to make us holy.
Unhealthy
response two: Bliss 50% Work 50%
This is ostensibly more sober and more popular than the
first response. The person that subscribes to this knows that marriage needs work to make it thrive.
They know romance is not natural. However, despite this knowledge, work is
still not a priority when measured up against bliss. In fact, work seems to be
doing a balancing act with bliss. “I put in 50 units of work, and I expect 50
units of bliss,” they would say. It sounds equal and fair, Beloved, but I warn you; it is
dangerous. Why? Marriage is a covenant not a contract. In a contract you maximise on your rights and limit your
responsibilities; in a covenant you limit your rights and increase your
responsibilities.
In a contract your keen focus is on making sure the
other party does not cross you. In a covenant, the key focus is in making sure
YOU don’t cross the other party. The issue with a 50—50 model is that if your
partner gives in 49% you are so quick to demand your missing 1%. Too many people are getting married or are hoping
to get married with the sole intent of pursuing their rights. Too few people
are getting married or are hoping to get married with the sole intent of practising
and maximising their responsibilities. When my wife
and I give talks to the youth on relationships, we often hear this question: “What if I get married and the sex is not as
good as I hoped and I regret marrying this person?” Even though you teach the truth and beauty of sex, the fact that it is a drop of water in the ocean of marriage and that it is something that
a couple learns, you hear bits of resistance in a few. Why? This
person’s primary focus is to receive and not to give. In fact they are most
likely with a 50-50 perception of marriage. So we often respond, “How is your purity
life?” People get surprised by that response. They get surprised because
they see no correlation with the call for purity and their question about
wanting torrential sex once they get married. What that person does not see is
that sex in marriage is a right but purity in marriage is a responsibility.
After talking to thousands of people in seminars, camps, churches and youth groups,
I have come to see that it is true that
people primarily obsessed about their rights are not really devoted to
fulfilling their responsibilities. And if they are devoted to fulfilling
their responsibilities, it is only contingent on their partners fulfilling
theirs. Many of the newlywed men we meet who demand that their wives should
submit to them are either:
1. Not
loving their wives at all. Their focus is receiving and not giving. They are
demanding rights whilst bankrupt of their pursuit of their responsibilities.
OR
2. Not
loving their wives completely (100%). They love 50% and wait for 50%
submission. They will dare not move to 51% because an exchange of 51-49 is not
fair...for them.
Also, many of the newlywed women that we meet who
demand that their husbands love them are either:
1. Not
respecting their husbands at all. Their focus is receiving and not giving. They
are demanding rights whilst bankrupt of their pursuit of their responsibilities.
OR
2.
Not respecting their husband completely
(100%). They respect 50% and wait for 50% love. They will dare not move to 51%
because an exchange of 51-49 is not fair...for
them.
We see the same in the unmarried people as well.
They are concerned about the future rights of marriage with little or no
concern about the future responsibilities of marriage. Everyone is seeking to
maximise their rights and limit their responsibilities and the result is
heartbreak. If you are more concerned about how much receiving you will get in
a marriage, more than how much sacrificing and giving you will make, you too are
not ready to walk down the aisle.
HEALTHY Response: Work 100%
No, Beloved, there is no typo in the title above. “Wait, where is
the bliss?” you ask. “Are you telling me
that I have to work 100% and expect no pleasure?” Well, before you make any more
wrong conclusions. Let me explain to you that the issue of dividing bliss and
work in a marriage is the start of all the trouble many couples are facing. Any
couple doing things right and enjoying a great marriage knows that there is no
difference between work and bliss in their marriage. Work is bliss
and bliss is work. Once you start measuring, taking score, comparing notes you
have trouble. When you have a godly perspective of love and romance between a
man and a woman, you realise that bliss is not necessarily the result of work.
Nay! Rather work is the bliss! Listen, if serving your husband is not a joy,
then you will never find the bliss you’re looking for. If loving your wife
seems like a task, then you might as well forget the bliss you hope to get in
your new marriage. A working marriage is a working marriage. Remember Mark
10:45 “For even the Son of Man did not
come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
This is the template. Christ served us joyfully and not begrudgingly. For the
joy set before him, he served us unto death. Jesus Christ got the name above
every other name by giving himself fully. He didn’t come in 50 and wait for us
to come in another 50.
I have come to see that bliss in marriage is not a
destination; it’s the journey! If you don’t enjoy the drive, you will not be
impressed with the destination. Couples who don’t realise that the bliss of
marriage is the road-trip will miss all the sceneries en route. Married people
who are obsessed about fulfilling their responsibilities always reap the best
of their rights and that is bliss. However married people who are solely obsessed
about getting their rights are most likely not fulfilling their
responsibilities. Sex is a right in marriage but purity is a responsibility. And
purity is not a task for the one who loves like Jesus; it’s a joy! Exclusivity
is a right in marriage but prioritizing your mate is a responsibility. And
prioritizing a spouse over other men and women is not a pain for the one who
loves like Jesus; it’s a joy. Fulfilling your vows is a right in marriage but pursuing
your spouse is a responsibility. And pursuing my spouse is not a chore; it’s a
joy. When your responsibilities in marriage become arduous and tasking pains,
your rights follow the same route. It’s unfortunate that our judicial laws
place more emphasis on the rights of an individual than on their
responsibilities. The result is many people feeling entitled to rights where
they have not sown responsibility. Rights grow bountifully in the garden of
marriage when watered plentifully with responsibility.
The unmarried often say to us, “Yeah, but Ernest I’m not yet married.” Yes, that’s true; but I
don’t need to see your wedding and your future marriage to know this. I just need to see what you are doing about your
responsibilities now. How is your
purity now? What is your entertainment like now? How is your
company of friends now? What is your life like now and what are you
doing about it? Getting married will not flip a commitment switch or a purity
switch in your mind? Are you dying now to fulfil your responsibilities
as you await to enjoy your rights? Or are you too impatient to wait for your
rights that you are trying to steal them right now with the hope of having no
responsibilities attached to them? Are you lazily intent on receiving the pleasures of
marriage with the least amount of responsibilities or are you proactively intent on giving? If you pursue your rights
outside the realm of your responsibilities you will always be met with enforced
regulations called consequences. Limit
your rights and maximise your responsibilities and watch your rights increase. Your
partner will be dying to grant you your rights because you are dying to meet
your responsibilities. After all, Christ died to grant us our rights. In his
footsteps, die to self as well, because a working marriage is a working marriage.
Mark 10:45 “For even
the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as
a ransom for many.”
.