FOR
MEN ONLY: Protect your woman
My wife and I have had several
born-again young women write to us about the ups and downs of dating and young
marriage relationships in the 21st century.
One particular recurrent issue we keep hearing is, “I don’t feel protected by
him” or “I just don’t feel safe with him.” When the young Christian man hears
the term “protect your woman” from us, what inevitably comes to the minds of
most is a picture of a gang versus the man. In the imagined scenario, the gang
wants to hurt the woman and the man must protect her. We men often think of
protecting a woman physically and imagine it to be enough. However, let me let
you know that it isn’t enough. There are many unprotected facets in a woman’s life
where a man has a priceless opportunity to be a hero. When these facets are
understood by the man, I dare say the relationship will never be the same
again- for the better.
One reason why young Christian men
in relationships in the 21st century
don’t see all these facets that need protection in a woman's life is because
they have not been taught by other older Christian men who have been through
their fair share of relationship whirlwinds. Older Christian men must pass onto
younger Christian men holistic life lessons. On faith as well as finances, on
worship as well as women, on discipleship as well as fatherhood, on prayer as
well as sex, on doctrine as well as relationships. In fact, the Bible is never
shy of the latter mentions. The scriptures that talk on the subject of faith,
worship, discipleship, prayer and doctrine etc also very boldly handle the
issues of finances, women, fatherhood, sex and relationships. To think of one
set to be less important than the other is to be an imbalanced man. And that is
the crux of the matter as far as protection of women is concerned. On one hand,
we have born again men who are role models in prayer but horrible people in
relationships. On the other hand, we have born again men who are good examples
as fathers but wanting examples as men of doctrine. I pray to God that older
Christian men will teach younger Christian men holistic life lessons and not
simply one-sided approaches. The Body of Christ needs balanced men. When the
wife of a young married man is displeased with a frustrating sex-life, it would
be horrible if all the young man is taught is “just pray about it.” Similarly,
if a young Christian woman displeased with a fiancée or boyfriend who does not
value Bible Study and spiritual disciplines, it would be horrible if the young
man is advised “just treat her like a lady.” Treating a woman like a lady will
not cure a weak spiritual leader in the home. On the flipside, praying will not
teach a man any inconsistencies in his sexual intimacy. These details cannot be
expounded on a blog. Older men must teach younger men the ropes. However, the
prerogative of initiating such a mentorship is upon the younger man.
Another reason young why Christian
men in relationships in the 21st century
don’t see all these facets that need protection in a woman's life is
because the idea of protection of women is misunderstood. Extreme feminists
stand on the grounds that they need no man and thus failing miserably on the
beauty of a man being a man in a relationship! The man still wants to place his
coat over the woman’s shoulder to demonstrate affection but it cannot happen if
the woman always sees it as an I-can-take-care-of-myself-no-thank-you
situation. On the other hand, chauvinists see the genders as a war already won
by the masculine species a long time ago. To dare rise above this fact is to
prove yourself an enemy. And thus, such men miss out on the beauty of helping a
“damsel in distress.” Both groups of men and women get angry at the idea of men
protecting women on account of their own relationship baggage (which we will
not address here). But I insist on this notion based on a simple biblical
truth. 1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands,
in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with
respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of
life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” On account of the pros that men have
that women don’t have (such as physical superiority, task-orientation over
emotional orientation), the scriptures ask us to be considerate. To be considerate means to be on the
lookout on the facets in a woman’s life that need protection. And if you are
married and take this lightly, the scriptures say that your prayers are not
regarded by God. With that said, I would like to point out three vital few
areas where men must aim to grow considerately in providing protection to a
woman.
Physical protection
Our world’s not perfect. In fact,
it’s sinful. And because of that we have seen heartbreaking physical danger
come upon women e.g. physical abuse. The question for the Christian men is
their readiness to lay down their lives for their women in the face of physical
peril. For you see, this is the example that Christ gave us. He (the groom)
laid down his physical life for his bride (us). And in Ephesians 5, we are
challenged to use Christ’s love as a template for our marriages. While that
kind of physical protection may be the rare case, it is important to note the
common cases.
Christian men ought to take the
physically tasking chores in the house for their women. I don’t let Turi change
the kitchen gas. I carry that metallic tank and drive to and fro the gas
station and I make sure I don’t let her hear me whine about it. If a kitchen
door or drawer breaks, I am the one to fix it. And that also means not waiting
to be reminded every six days to fix it. The beauty of physical protection is
swiftness of action. So, I fix the broken item on her convenience and not when
I feel like it. When I don’t have time, I must make time to offer the physical
help. It is frustrating when a woman has to take up the physical chores that a
man ought to do in order to protect her. When that physical help is offered, it
goes a long way in her heart. I remember three instances where I helped three
different women (who were strangers) carry heavy loads. The first was an
elderly woman carrying two heavy gunny sacks while I was walking to work. I
saw many men walk past her without paying her any attention. The physical
strain on her body was obvious. I stopped and asked to take one sack- the
heavier one. When we got to her destination, she offered me money for the
kindness but I refused. I wanted her to know, “This
is what men should do and there should be no reward for it.” She prayed for me a blessing and I
went my way. The second lady was a young lady about my age. She was at my bus
stage carrying two heavy bags of shopping. Again, I saw many men ahead of me
walk past her. I decided to stop when I caught up with her and offered to help
carry them to her house, which was off my way home. When we got to her house,
she asked me to come in and take a soda. I declined the offer, not because I
didn’t feel like having a soda, but because I wanted to let her know, “This is what men should do and
there should be no reward for it.” Furthermore,
I found it inappropriate to be in a house alone with a woman I just met. The
third woman was also carrying shopping bags. They weren’t heavy, but they were
several. It was raining hard and she had no umbrella. She was plopping in the
rain as she struggled to carry the multiple bags. I was driving when I saw her.
I was with my brother, Philip. We were rushing to catch the premier of the
Avengers Movie and we were running late. When I saw the lady stranded in the
rain with her several shopping bags, I thought to myself, “Help the lady and be
late for the premier” or “Leave the lady (she’ll be fine) and catch the movie.”
We decided to stop. We helped her with the bags and drove her to her house before
going for our movie. She was so grateful and she asked for my number to buy us
coffee sometime in the next week. I declined to give her my number because I
wanted her to know, “This is
what men should do and there should be no reward for it.” Physical protection is all about
chivalry and the man who practices it will always win especially with his woman!
Emotional protection
Generally, men solve problems by
dealing with the logical first and the emotional later. Women are on the
inverse. They often solve the emotional side of things before dealing with the
logical. A man who understands this is one step away from offering emotional
protection. When she is having a bad day at work, the solution isn’t “Have you
talked to your boss about this?” The emotional problem hasn’t been tackled, and
for her, if that isn’t dealt with, all the super solutions in the world will
not make things better. I have learnt that there are times when Turi simply
wants to talk to me and state how overwhelming a situation is emotionally.
These emotional situations may have simple and direct logical solutions (which
she is well aware of by the way), but they ought to come at a latter part of
the conversation. That is why when a lady is struggling to relate with another
lady who is “too close” to her man and the man doesn’t see the issue (Seeing no
logical anomaly), it frustrates her. She wants to know that he chooses her over
the other lady friend. There is a clear emotional anomaly and she wants to feel
relationally and emotionally safe before she can solve the problem.
Another way to cultivate emotional
protection is through the practice of exclusivity. Healthy boundaries with
other women offer emotional stability in any relationship. I find it
inconceivable why a man would spend late nights chatting with another woman to
catch up with her yet he is married/ or in a serious relationship. The excuse
we keep hearing from the men is something akin to “We are just friends” or
“Can’t I have other women friends?” The trouble with even attempting to answer
to that is dealing with someone whose mental intelligence is fantastic but
whose emotional intelligence is very wanting. Such excuses are the genesis of
emotional infidelity. Just as mental IQ is acquired through learning, emotional
intelligence (EQ) is also acquired through learning. You offer your partner
emotional security by observing the boundaries you have with other females. The
idea of “But we are not doing anything wrong” is the lowest question you can
ask as far as EQ is concerned. Allow me to boost that EQ. Ask yourself, “Does
it build my relationship?” If it destroys, you know what to do. If it neither
destroys nor builds (neutral), it’s even more dangerous. Too many men are
caught in the net of emotional mediocrity and complacency. Be emotionally
sharp, Beloved. Don’t allow yourself to be caught in that. While you think you
need time to get to know your other female friend, you fail short in
discovering newer worlds with the woman you already have.
Virtue protection
A man who protects the virtue of
his woman wins her greatest respect. Sometime this year a young lady wrote to
us. She was frustrated that her fiancée did not value biblical purity. She was
clear on the absolutes of scripture but he was shifty on the matter. She tried
to get him to understand but he saw no issue as long as penetration sex had not
occurred. She began to fear meeting him alone because she felt her virtue was
under attack. When we say protect a woman’s virtue, Beloved, we also mean,
protect it from yourself. The man in question was caught in the blinding power
of lust. Lust steals a man’s vision. Why is it that an unmarried Christian man
will jump in and protect his woman from rape but he won’t jump in and protect
his woman from his hands going under her shirt? They may be seen as two
extremes, but in the light of purity and the woman’s dedication to God, both
instances attack her virtue. Why is it that a married Christian man will jump
to condemn adultery but won’t jump to condemn the nudity in his movies and TV
series? Lust steals a man’s vision. A man whose vision is lost cannot protect
the virtue of his woman. My very good friend, Boniface Nyoike says:
Lust makes man a victim of
perverted sex, which damns his authority. Love makes a man a steward of
consecrated sex, which empowers his authenticity and authority. Consecration
carries authority; perversion kills authority. A man who can’t conquer lust
will never carry authority that lasts. Even His woman will struggle to submit
because submission is activated by demonstration of authority through purity.
Joseph’s authority was protected by his sexual consecration. Samson's authority
was killed by his sexual perversion; he easily became a victim and a slave of
people he was born to rule over once he lost the battle for sex. The reason why
Satan fights a man’s purity so hard with arsenals of pornography, masturbation
and perverted sex is because he knows that if he can kill your purity, he has
massacred your authority. Your sexual battle as a man is not just about sex;
.it’s about authority in manhood and dominion in life! God is not after killing
the sexuality in you; He is after removing the lust in you so that he can
confer authority that lasts to you!
Porn and masturbation may not be directly involved in
attacking a women’s virtue but they do hurt them really badly. When I was
caught in that rut, Turi was very hurt and any born-again woman can attest that
it makes them feel very unprotected. One way of protecting a woman’s virtue
from yourself is devoting yourself to spiritual growth. Self-will cannot do it.
You need to tap into the power of fellowship where you can confess and get
strength from other godly mature men. You need to tap into the power of
studying God’s word so that you build your arsenal against temptation. You need
to tap into the power of prayer, to give you running strength when you get
trapped. You need to tap into the power of discipleship so that you can monitor
your growth. You need to tap into the power of fasting so that you are not a
slave to your flesh.
So, how else can do you think a born again man can protect
the woman he loves?