Pen Strokes: FOR MEN ONLY: Five things that a married man of God is required by the Lord to do for his wife:

I recently posted a Facebook update about four things that a born again husband ought to do for his wife as required by the Lord. I gained considerable traffic and many people were interested in it. I decided to expound each reason and add a fifth. So these are five things that a married man of God is required by the Lord to do for his wife:

1. Make her happy

“If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” (Deuteronomy 24:5)

My wife, Turi, and I.

In those days, a man could die in the battle field especially if the Lord’s presence was not with the people. The Lord required that a newly married man stay at home for a year and make his woman happy. Note that the Lord says “woman” (singular). Moving on! Those two things (making her happy and staying at home) ought not to be a one-year experience. Turi, my lovely wife, loves it when I’m at home. There are times even Christian men get caught up in activity outside their own home and spend little time with their wives. I have come to realize, Beloved, that whether I am out there spreading the gospel or out there peddling drugs, if I’m not at home, I’m not at home. My wife is my first ministry and my priority. Choosing between hanging out with her or hanging out with the boys on Friday night is a no-brainer! Wife first! Being out preaching does not make my wife miss me less than when I am out watching football. Both the preacher’s wife and the football fan’s wife are home alone. God works in order and timings. Therefore a Christian man should not say that saving souls is more important than being at home because that is disorder. God is a God of order. Plan your time out there and be there faithfully. Similarly, plan your time with your wife (fairly) and be there faithfully. Wives are happy when men go home. We need to be around to help in the home. We need to practise being available for the children even though those children have not yet arrived. Adopt this mantra: If I’m not at home, I’m not at home. No amount of spirituality excuses my role as a husband. Your wife is your first ministry. Be willing to drop all meetings, dates, plans for her. You will make her happy.

2. Make her holy

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word” (Ephesians 5:25-26)

When my wife is not growing spiritually, I do not dismiss it in the name of her having a personal relationship with Christ. I take up the responsibility because I realize that God has tasked me to make her holy. Ephesians 5 says that I must use the word to do this. So as a husband, I need to immerse myself in the scriptures. I cannot use the scriptures to cleanse her if I do not know the scriptures. I cannot teach her what I have not absorbed. So I should make it my ultimate priority to know God intimately so that by example and teaching, I fulfil this. I need to do the following 6 things therefore:

Hear the Word (See Romans 10:7. From other mature men and women of God e.g. podcasts, recorded sermons)
Read the Word (See Revelation 1:3. get a personal encounter of God speaking by reading what the Bible says)
Study the Word (See Acts 17:11. Researching what I read and verifying its veracity and appropriate use.)
Memorise the Word (See Psalm 119:9-11. Committing to memory what I study so that I have a ready word to share to anyone in need and a stocked arsenal against temptation and false doctrine.)
Meditate on the Word (See Joshua 1:8. Musing about the words of scripture that I have memorized and allowing the Holy Spirit to use them to search my life)
Practising the Word. (See John 13:17. Doing what I learn. God wants us not only to appear changed on the outside but to actually change on the inside.)

3. Treat her gently- or else forget about your prayers!

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." (1 Peter 3:7)

At our church dinner last year

Isn’t that scary? That if you are inconsiderate and brutish towards your wife, you get your prayer lines disconnected by sin. I often think about times I’ve been brash with Turi and I realize that the Lord is not pleased with it. I quickly apologise for her sake and mine. In some traditional societies, women are treated as lesser beings. The Christian man who falls into this culture will be putting a knife to the spiritual health of the home. Cherish your wife. How do you know if you cherish her? Ask her. Yes, that’s right. Ask her. Don’t get defensive and start explaining yourself. Just listen and for heaven’s sake, change! Some wives have been harassed by brutish men to the extent that they may fear answering that question lest it breed more chaos. Shame on you if you are that kind of man. A wife should never fear her husband. She should feel protected when he is around, not threatened. Ever wonder why your prayers are not going past the roof? Review your tenderness to your wife. You may act like a boss in your home but in the house of the Lord you are a child. And so is she a child of God. Treat her with humility and repent of your sins, Beloved.

4. Make her comfortable
“If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8)

The weight of that verse needs no emphasis so I’ll just say this: Women feel at ease in an environment where the rent is paid, the debts are cleared, the basic needs are met, money is saved, the tithe is honoured and there’s occasional spare change for chocolate. Don't be discouraged if you don't have a source of income. When I started dating Turi, I was dependent on my parents' money. But the Bible says in Deuteronomy 8:18 that God is the one who gives us the ability to make wealth. Commune with him today and he will show you opportunities. He will give you work to do. He won't give you money. He will give you a task that will bring money. So be alert, get rid of greed and covetousness by practising contentment, be hardworking and he will bless the work of your hands.

5. Satisfy her sexually

“The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3)

God requires you to meet the sexual needs of your wife. And hers alone. Noone else's. Drink water from your own well. Your wife must find sex intimate- emotionally and physically. The Bible in the verse above actually says sexual intimacy is her right. The truth is that women want great sex just as much as men do. Just ask them. Many wives have had sex; few have made love. There is a difference. You must, as a man, ensure that you learn to make her enjoy it. Sex is a gift that is for mutual benefit. If you have sex selfishly, just for your own gratification, you deprive your wife. Because of selfishness with such a romantic gift that is to be shared, some women grow up believing that sex is not meant to be intimate but only for the man to enjoy. Some see it as a dirty act. And unmarried born again virgins dread it because of the selfish stories they hear. They start subscribing to worldly ideas on sex and get caught up in a lot of regret. Beloved, the truly born again godly woman is waiting for sex until marriage. Apart from the reason of devotion and obedience to God, make the wait of sexual intimacy worth it emotionally and physically. I said the “truly born again women” because there are many young people out there having pre-marital sex without a shred of care of what God says. Going to church doesn’t make a girl or a guy a Christian just as going to a garage doesn’t make you a car. Followers of Jesus practise what he says. Jesus said in eternity many will be surprised when denied entry into heaven- professing the faith but living in carnality. I digress. A sexually satisfied wife makes a very satisfied husband. Husbands you know this. So, here are a few tips.

Work out. If you didn’t know, a healthy physical body results in a healthy and more pleasurable sex-life. You don't need a gym subscription. Just good space and 30 minutes per day. If you wish to do this, visit my boy's blog MISTER VICTORIOUS by clicking here.

Secondly, read on sex. Not Playboy. Not online. There are good books by sound born again men and women that talk about sex in its purity and beauty without delving into the filth the world shows in the name of sex advice. When you research on sex online, you are likely going to start watching porn, so don't. Instead, look for these three books. Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat, The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly Lahaye and The Bible by God Almighty. (PS: The fourth one is an all-time bestseller! Plus it has a great chapter called Songs of Solomon). If you have a problem with porn, masturbation or sexual fantasies, don't look for any of these book titles yet (except the Bible). Get yourself out of the rut of addiction first. I recommend my book, Lust and the City. You can find it here. I also recommend The Purity Principle by Randy Alcorn.

Lastly, walk in purity! Some Christian men tend to think than purity is for the single. Beloved, the fight for purity should be upped even more when married. The pornography we watch in TV series and movies and then justify it by calling it rated entertainment is killing your sex life. Yes, it is pornography. Call it as it is, Beloved. Research even shows that excessive TV viewing has a direct correlation in marriage dissatisfaction. It isn’t the 40 inches of Samsung glass that breaks your marriage, Beloved. It is the indulgence in watching sensuality from the darkness of an unrepentant heart. When you indulge your senses in sensual media, believe me you are paying more than a ticket and popcorn; you are trading your soul for a toy. I made a vow not to watch naked women on any screen if I can help it. Guess what, you made the same vow on the altar, married man. The women you said you vowed to keep away from include the virtual ones. Walk out of cinema halls guys! Christians easily condemn pornography but sit comfortably watching Game of Thrones. We condemn 50 shades of Grey but watch Scandal. It’s ridiculous! "But Ernest there will be nothing to watch!” Exactly! There won’t! But do you realize that we believers are meant to be peculiar to the world? (1^st Peter 2:9). Followers of Christ have been tortured and killed for obedience to Him and we are whining about giving up our "favourite" TV series. When a guy peeps through a house window watching a woman undressing we call them a pervert; but when we watch the same woman undressing on our TV screens we call it entertainment. Do you honestly think that the vice changes because the glass screen changes? The hypocrisy is appalling, Beloved. Some still say it is impossible to stay away from this entertainment. Beloved, since 2010, the Lord has convicted me not to watch many of those TV series and movies that have flippant humour and little perverse innuendos. I have never regretted obeying the Lord. When immorality is out of the way, vision is clear! But when you are comfortable with it and end up tolerating the Jezebel sexual spirit that Jesus talks about in Revelation 3 to the Lukewarm church of Laodicea, you will have your vision blurred. That is why anyone steeped in lust always wants to justify their actions- it's a lack of vision. Many husbands have lost their vision like this. Purity is only for those who truly want it. You will never overcome a sin you are willing to justify. You cannot expect a fulfilling sexual life with/for your wife if you are measuring her up against dolls doing unreal dramatized gymnastics on your computer or TV screen. Psalm 119: 37 says "Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word." If you are born again and unmarried, believe me when you get married you will realize that everything TV says about sex is a lie. Stop subscribing to it now. You will only bring baggage into your marriage. Stop entertaining filth on your screen. What you don't know is that you are killing intimacy in your future marriage. God’s gift of sex is so much better, purer and greater than the sinful escapades you catch the world lusting after.

We have a lot of work to do, now don't we? What other commands do you know that husbands have from the Lord regarding their wives?