I woke up this
morning to a Facebook post from my cousin. She asked: What holds a man back from committing to marriage? The question is general so let me clarify. The context of the
question was notwithstanding all struggles such as lack of money, a strained relationship or lack of a
woman to marry. The assumption was a man who ought to commit to a relationship
and has all the resources but wouldn’t commit- a man who refuses to commit as
opposed to one who cannot commit. I asked her whether she meant before or after
walking the aisle. She stated before. I asked if she meant born again men or
unbelieving men. She mentioned the former, however someone else commented on
the Facebook post that the latter was also included, for the behaviour was
similar across the board. I found it worrying that proclaimed followers of
Christ would make the cut for this one. Needless to say, the church has such
men. What holds a man back from committing to marriage? I pondered over the
question and I had my answer. My answer: The problem is the first
Adam and the solution is the second Adam. Some would get my drift immediately
however, some would not and it would need explanation as opposed to a lazy
response. I figured I may as well blog to explain.
Many men have not
been taught by their fathers how to be men. I highly believe that many fathers
have thought that as long as the kid has a male organ, loves cars, explosions
and the legs underneath a feminine skirt then he will be a man. So the result
is many males who are still boys and know nothing of manhood. When we employ
interns, we spend months and tons of money to teach them how our companies work
so that they cannot fail us and create losses. However, when it comes to our
homes, who is spending months and tons of money to teach men to become
responsible so that the family unit cannot fail? And even if fathers do, they
spend less than 6 hours with their kids in a day, who spend more than 12 hours
with their "friends" and entertainment. Who has more impact therefore? Who will teach
the boys? Primarily, this is the role of fathers, Beloved. A father ought to
call out the king in a boy and suppress the foolishness of childhood.
When that does not happen, you have grown men in their twenties and
thirties who are bragging at how they “banged” the hot girl that was hard to
get. That is a boy with a size nine shoe, Beloved- a big boy. This is how boys act:
- They whine when they don’t get their way.
- They are sore losers when confronted with a defeat.
- They like to give reasons why they were playing when they ought to have been working.
- They find joy is mischief despite it hurting the feelings of others.
- They always complain why we always pick on the boy when the girls also have issues.
Beloved, these behavioural characteristics can be found in adult men too. Haven’t you seen
55-year-old men throw insults and cusses like sailors to those subordinate to
them when things don’t go their way? It may look mature because there is
a car key in their fingers and neat shoes on their feet but the boy within was
never taught to be refined when offended. Have you not seen 30-year-old men
who get a girl pregnant and claim that the girl was unfaithful despite a positive
DNA test linking the baby to them? Men who have never been taught that when you
mess up you own up. Have you not seen 21-year-old university men explain why
their assignments were never complete after a night out of irresponsible
living? And haven’t you seen 18-year-old men who engage in mischief such as
pornography that hurts their future families yet they find joy in the selfish
indulgence. And haven’t you seen the myriads of men who when called to step up
in their responsibility always quote the stats as to how the boy-child has been
neglected? Beloved, listen, even if the boy child was given all the attention
in the world, the quality of the men in our world would not change because the
problem is not a mind issue that we are dealing with; it is a heart issue.
Some may think that
for boys to change, they need to be constantly pounded with words in their mind
such as “Respect women!”, “Finish your homework!”, ”Don’t do drugs!”, “Porn is bad
for your health!”, “Marriage is a good thing if you work at it.” Etc. Well, that
is a lie, because how many men acting like boys know what the right thing is
but fail to do it? They all do. The problem is not a mind issue that we are
dealing with; it is a heart issue. They know they should respect women. They
know they should be responsible and take care of their health. They know that
pornography is killing their relationships. But all this knowing has not brought a drop of
change. Beloved, I’ve said it severally before, that you cannot change the
heart of a man through mental facts and emotional manipulations. You can
influence them for a while to act in a certain way but their heart will drift
to its original inclination. The problem is not a mind issue that we are
dealing with; it is a heart issue. Unless that heart is genuinely moved through
conviction, it will never influence an ounce of change in behaviour for the
better.
A farmer may know
that he needs to dig his garden to have a harvest of crops. But if he turns up
to dig with a spoon instead of a hoe, he will not only grow weary and burn out
but he will also fail that garden (even in the season of rain and with the
presence of fertiliser). The right tools must be used. Fathers and the world
have used all kinds of tools to teach their boys how to be men but they have
constantly burnt out and failed their sons just as the farmers failed their
gardens. Beloved, many TV shows talking about the problem with men and many movements that fight for men to behave well will not succeed because they operate outside the wisdom of the
Spirit of God. They may succeed for a month or two but eventually they will fail to teach authentic and lasting manhood to
boys. The wrong tools cannot farm the best garden. The world and fathers have used common virtue, fear, culture and
rewards for being good as motivators for boys to be men. Those things only
motivate a boy until he is 18. Once he is out of the house, the suppressed boy
that was never really taught how to be a true man will pop up. He did not
backslide. He did not leave the church. He did not become irresponsible all
over sudden. He did not become rude. He did not change. The truth is, he was a
boy all along with a sinful nature in him that needs repentance through
conviction of God’s spirit.
Opponents may argue
that this matter cannot be objectively viewed from only one "religious" angle i.e. A Holy
God and a sinful man. I mean, Ernest, come on! Where is the Psychology? Where is the Sociology? However to say that would be so assume a superior stance
in the issue and the unmentioned question would revert to the one who asks- what makes
your angle accurate? Beloved, to paraphrase quote famous atheist
Frederick Nietzsche, “Every claim to know something is a power trip to
impose your own claim.” That sounds true. Well, Beloved, what Nietzsche didn’t
realize is that the greatest power trip in all humanity is to claim that every other claim is a power trip (except mine i.e. except the claim that every claim is a power trip). Haha!
A bit wordy there. Read it again slowly. If you lack the patience, I’m saying
this in summary: a sinful world will treat any truth claim as an opinion- even if it's the truth.
Needless to say, if we truly believe in an
all-powerful, all-glorious and all-knowing Creator, then his view suffices and
encompasses all of his creation. He is the author of the Psychology and the Sociology we crave to quote. Will surely the clay call the potter
incompetent in dealing with his own work? Beloved, God’s word explicitly states
that all problems we have do not have different answers. On the surface they
may look like, socio-economic worries, psychological burdens, physiological
struggles but at the baseline and root they have one answer: SIN.
The question about
why men are the way they are has the same response as why women are the way
they are? The answer is this: mankind is plagued and dead in their sin. All our crime, terrors, insecurities and fears find their root in sin. We all
qualify for that sinful state. Ephesians 2:1b says that we are DEAD in our sins and
transgressions. Genesis 6:5 says “The LORD saw how great man's wickedness on the earth
had become, and that
every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.”
So my cousins asks, “What holds a man back from committing to marriage?” notwithstanding all other variable factors such as economic stability, knowledge of the girl etc. The answer will also respond accurately to “Why do leaders steal the people’s money?” “Why does racism exist?” etc. I digress. I will stick to the original question.
Fear, Selfishness Laziness and
Worldliness
Beloved, sin
produces fearful men. Fear tells men
that nobody in their family succeeded in relationships so they will never succeed in marriage.
Fear tells men that they can never be sure they marry the right person. Sin
tells men that they will never be happy with just one woman.
Dear Beloved, Sin
produces men who are selfish. I tell you even the highest education cannot erase
Beloved, sin
produces lazy men. A
marriage requires work and lots of attention. Hard work will never live
in the same neighbourhood as mediocrity. Mediocrity will always looks for the
short cut with clever sounding reasons such as “Times have changed.” A brave
man who honours his creator sticks to the right thing despite its difficulty.
His persistence will only reap a happy working relationship with the woman he
relates to until death do them part.
Beloved, sin loves
worldliness. A man who borrows his ideals from a sinful world will not see the
beauty of holy matrimony. The world is telling men many lies concerning
marriage using whatever medium that can influence. In our generation it is
mainly through movies, music, and entertainment in general. The lies include
but are not limited to: a) False generalization that all marriages fail
b) That it is okay in God’s eyes for men to live against the will of Christ as
long as they don’t necessarily “hate” God. So, a man like this may think, sure
I know the Scriptures say that I should honour the marriage bed sexually, but
my girlfriend and I love each other. I go to church and I'm a good person after all. What they don't realize is that even the Pope's and mother Teresa's goodness combined is not enough to take away one person's sin (Ephesians 2:8-9). Worldiness asks, why should I then commit to this girl in a
marriage when I can have all I need from her and still have my freedom? The man indulging in this will then witch-hunt for any fault in marriage to justify that it will
“tie him down.” The truth is, it will compel him to leave childish ways and become a man; and a boy who loves his toys will never trade worldliness for responsibility. In mainstream entertainment men who are portrayed to be
the heroes are shown shacking up with several women and living a life without
consequences. The worldly man thinks that in having the liberty to misuse his
sexuality, he is free, while in truth he is a slave- a slave to his sin and
desires.
Beloved, God has
offered a solution for all these issues rooted in the sinfulness of man. For a
moment just imagine with me if Eve had sinned but Adam refused the fruit (for he was not deceived but rather sinned willfully). The conversation
would have sounded something like this.
God: Beloved, your bride has sinned
Adam: I know.
God: Beloved...she has to die.
Adam: ...but...but she’s my bride.
God: Well...I could make you another one.
Adam: But...I love her...
God: Well, Beloved, the wages of sin is death.
Adam: (With heaviness of heart) Take me (sighs) Take me, Lord. I will die in
her place.
And Beloved, believe
me when I say that had Adam died, he would have resurrected to eternal life and
Eve’s sin would have been atoned for. However, this isn’t just a wishful happy ever after ending. For you
see, God did have that conversation with Adam concerning sin- the second Adam.
God: Beloved, your bride has sinned
Jesus: I know.
God: Beloved...she has to die.
Jesus: ...but...but she’s my bride.
God: Well...I could make you another one.
Jesus: But...I love her...
God: Well, Beloved, the wages of sin is death.
Jesus: (With heaviness of heart) Take me (sighs) Take me, Lord. I will die in
her place.
And he did die for
our sins.
"For God so loved the
world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not
perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son
into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world
through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because
he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into
the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were
evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not
come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.
But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen
plainly that what he has done has been done through God." (John
3:16-21)
So, what
holds a man back from committing to marriage? The short answer: Fear,
Selfishness Laziness and Worldliness. The shorter answer: The first Adam. The solution: The Second Adam- The Saviour Jesus Christ.
And fathers ought to teach their sons not to respond like the first Adam who
blamed everyone but himself for the problems in the world. But rather, to
submit to the second Adam and trust him with all their sin and all their fears,
including commitment to a marriage.