How to help your teenager who is addicted to pornography

How to help your teenager who is addicted to pornography

Dear parent, your teenager could be addicted to porn and you have no clue. If that does not send shivers down your spine, the rest of the blog probably will. Hopefully the shivers will stir us to do the right thing and not repeat some mistakes we are currently making with pornography and our children. If you live in an urban area, there are very high chances that your teenager could be a victim of porn addiction. This article is mainly for parents with teenagers- both boys and girls. However, potential parents would benefit by reading it too. It would be proudly presumptuous to assume that every teenager in an urban area is struggling with porn- that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that the risks for Gen-Y and millennial kids with regards to porn addiction are higher than you think. How do I know this? I have talked to them. I have met with them. I have prayed with them and I have seen some get free from their addictions. They have written to me and I have written back. The truth is, dear parent, your child could be struggling with porn and you do not even know it. But my teenager goes to church, you say. Especially that one, I respond, that one is the dangerous kind. This article is not how to bash and corner your child. You will be surprised that the porn addiction with your son or daughter (yes even girls struggle with porn) will reveal a lot of things that you as a parent/guardian need to work on.

So, what are the signs that my child  could be into porn?

Let’s get a few basics straight. Some will see no need for mentioning this but in a decadent permissive world, I have to say it whether you like it or not- pornography is evil. Pornography causes erectile dysfunction among men. Porn changes the dopamine levels in your brain. Porn causes marriages to break. Porn leads to sex addictions. Porn “exalts” women as sex objects. Porn causes men to tolerate and trivialize sexual crimes and violence especially rape of women (this is scientific by the way). The list is endless. Porn is an evil thing. After writing my second book, Lust and the City- a guide on sexual purity a lot of teenage traffic came my way. They ALL wanted out of porn and a life of lust. Parents, a few basic facts for those of you who may not know: Porn addiction often leads to masturbation addiction which often removes desire for commitment to one relationship. This often leads to promiscuity. Worldwide, over 97 billion USD is spent on internet porn every year. Porn kills the economy. Majority of those users are men (including husbands) and teenagers. I have written several articles on men and pornography, so we won’t dwell on that today. However, after interacting with many teens and young people and doing further research I found that the common reasons for porn addiction are:

However, good company, good teaching that outdoes unhealthy curiosity, morally upright parents, zero sexual abuse, good marriages between parents and mature spirituality in a home do NOT always guarantee that a teenager will be safe from the clutches of porn. Admittedly, they offer greater strength against the evil of porn. It is said that the main defences against pornography are close family life, a good marriage and good relations between parents and children, coupled with deliberate parental monitoring of Internet use. However, children from stable families can even fall prey to porn. Why? Because porn is a lust issue and lust is a heart issue. You’re not up against the Playboy Industry; you’re up against the lust industry found in the heart of your teenager. If you are a parent and you are struggling with porn, realise that condemning the behaviour of your child will not bear fruit. You may not know it but they most probably already know that you watch porn. Teenagers have the best sense of smell for hypocrisy. If that is a personal struggle, Beloved, you need to get help first. Remember the parable that Christ Jesus used about taking care of the log in your eye before dealing with the speck in your brother’s eye? The thing with a log is that even after it is removed, it leaves innumerable specks of sawdust- so the work on you is much more. If porn is a struggle as a parent, click here to read this article first to get you started and then we can work on the child. If you are a parent and porn isn’t a struggle, thank the Lord. However, you’re not scot free yet.  There is a temptation to look down at the parents struggling with porn as morally inferior to you- especially if it’s your spouse. I’d advise that we let our moral high horses gallop away and realize that even “morally sound” parents often have a share of responsibility. It could be reasons such as working to make money and neglecting your child. Whoever you are, I pray that you will remain humble and teachable throughout the blog. So how do you deal with this in the right way, dear Parent? 

1. Do not jump to conclusions (The overreacting parent)

Mothers mainly fail here. You hear that your golden boy is not as shiny as you imagined and your world falls apart. So you think, “I’m the parent, they are the child! I’m having none of this nonsense.” You storm into their bedroom holding the porn magazine you found under their bed and you let your tongue do the justice. When you are done with your tirade of vocabulary, your child is screaming back at you and you are shaking with anger. And the hole is now deeper than when you first found it. If you start making conclusions without evidence, you will cause a lot of hurt and harm. Don’t assume that your child watching porn means that they are sleeping around. While it could be true but don’t take that jump without evidence. You could drive a permanent wedge between you and your child for good- especially if you are wrong (which is many times, frankly). If you are a religious leader such as a deacon, you need to be more gracious. Why? Because the Bible states in 1^st Timothy 3:5 and 12 that any church leader who cannot manage and take care of their own children is not fit to take care of God’s people. Church leaders know this. When they find out that their saint of a child is into porn, they overreact and in the process make regrettable decisions such as ex-communicating the child from church and from their home. Some of those children never return home and remain angry at the Church for years (to their loss, unfortunately).

The truth is that an overreacting parent is worried about themselves more than their child. They are worried that their parenting has not borne fruit. They are worried that they will look bad if the neighbours and the congregation found out. They fear that they have failed as a parent and that their ministry will be invalidated. So because of their focus on self (pride) and worry of the future (fear) they cannot help the child. The bigger issue here could be idolizing a ministry. Parents, your child is not dead. Calm down. They got into a horrible mess and shouting and guilt-tripping them (even with scripture) won’t get them out. When was the last time you heard that a church leader stepped down from ministry to sort his family out? You see, even we adults don’t always follow the Word of God to the letter. When you overreact you don’t even consider that you could be a contributor to the problem. Pride and fear causes parents to overreact. If you fall here, this is something you need to ask the Lord to work on you before you start witch-hunting for porn-users in the house. If you have overreacted, humble yourself and apologise to your child. If you really value the relationship with your child, apologise. A complete apology starts with “I’m” and ends with “sorry.” Countering words or phrases to explain ourselves do not cement the apology, they only water it down. To say “I’m sorry but...” is to say I apologise with my lips but I am not since with my heart. Often the words that follow BUT are justifications for our well-meant words or actions. However, an apology isn’t a determiner of who is right or wrong. An apology demarcates who is hurt and who did the hurting. We apologise to restore relationships not to prove a point. To this parent, Christ would say Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs anger.”

2. Do not ignore the problem (The fairy tale parent)

The other wrong reaction is to ignore the problem. This is the fairy tale parent reaction. They cannot fathom that their cute 14-year-old girl is watching pornography. How can that sweet little angel do something so sick?  So they play a psychological game called, “Let’s pretend it doesn’t exist.” Beloved, ignoring the weather will not change the weather. Cute daughters do horrible things and handsome sons do worse. When your car fuel light glows orange, you know that your fuel tank is almost empty. If you decide to unscrew the dashboard of the car and pluck out the orange light so that it doesn’t glow anymore, your fuel tank will not increase in gas nor will your car go further. Parents who deny the problem with their children are like drivers who try and get rid of the orange light instead of refuelling the car. The orange light is data; the problem is the fuel. Your child is into porn- that is data. They need refuelling from you and ignoring the issue won’t make it go away. You may drive for another 20 KM ignoring the orange light but it’s only a matter of time until the car jerks, gives up its ghost and refuses to move. And when that happens, you have to get out of the car and walk to the nearest fuel station 20KM to and 20 KM fro to get fuel in a container, just to get the car started- just because you ignored the issue. Denial is a cancer, Beloved. Take the bull by the horns. Delayed obedience is disobedience. Fairy tale parents have a lot of fear. They are often perfectionists (melancholics) who don’t like their perfect little world ruined. When push comes to shove, they ignore the child or force the child to see a counsellor. They don’t get involved and they don’t even want to think that their child is a porn addict. If you are here, you need to stop fearing and face your problems. How? I will show you in a bit.

3. Do not minimize the problem (The politically-correct parent)

The politically-correct parent is simply the other side of the coin of the fairy tale parent. They admit there is a problem but they minimize it. To deal with it they may say, “Porn is not as bad as making someone pregnant,” or “At least they are not hurting anyone,” or “They are not infants anymore, let them make their choices and they will learn later.” This parent is inadvertently signing the death wish of their children. This kind of parent most probably grew in a very strict environment and vowed to never be like their own parents. So they disdain at parents who spank their children. They also believe that the goal of life for everyone is to be happy at whatever expense. They basically live out the freedom they never had through their kids, unknowingly destroying their children in the process.  Parents, don’t give your daughters condoms because you grew up in a society where looking at boys was a crime. It may look admirable but the truth is that, that is reactive parenting. It’s not active parenting. Your options are based on your feelings are not on objective evaluation. If your teenagers are into porn, it is a problem. It isn’t a small issue. It’s isn’t better than abortion. It a heart issue. If this parent does not familiarize themselves with the intricate issues of sex, they will never see their error. For them sex and porn are merely flesh-on-flesh experiences. So to them abortion is a getting rid of an unwanted problem. Sex is releasing a need in your body and porn is expressing a feeling of happiness. But truth has no alternative, neither is it relative. Abortion is murder, sex is a powerful emotional and spiritual process and porn is a home-wrecking industry that is strongly empowered by lust. Call a spade a spade, dear parent.

4. Do not break down (The enmeshed parent)

The other wrong reaction is to blame yourself for everything. This is the enmeshed parent; they cry, “Wherever did I go wrong?” They say if only they were stricter. If only they had been more involved. If only, if only, if only. They lose precious time in the present by worrying about the future and lose even more precious time in the future by regretting about the past. Such a parent can even shift the focus of the porn addiction away from the true victim (the addicted teenager) to themselves. They could even gather the people who are to help the child to support them instead. They become the focus of the problem and crave for the sympathy of those around them for the unfortunate ordeal that happened to their child. Again, I say, your child is not dead. This is not humility. It is pride. Don’t be fooled by the parent who beats themselves up. They are enmeshed and they need to actively help the child. A child sees an enmeshed parent and they feel guilty. So they refrain from porn for a while but in a matter of time, they return to it and just make sure they are more careful not to get caught. They can live with the guilt of porn now but they can’t live with the guilt of seeing their mother crying. The enmeshed parent isn’t helping the child; if anything, he/she is making the child feel less healthy shame and less healthy guilt towards the evil of porn. They are sucking the attention and helping the teenager become a crafty addict.

5. Do not blame others (The irresponsible parent)

This parent looks for someone to blame. Fathers are often guilty of this. They blame the mother and say, “You’re not being a good mother, that’s why our son is like this.” This is what I call the Adam-syndrome. If you are a man who has blamed your wife for the immoral outcome of your child, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, Beloved. It takes two to parent in a marriage. The excuse that you are working hard to provide and have no time to watch over your son reminds me of Adam who blamed Eve yet he ate the fruit. You have to repent of this, dear parent. You need to see that your lack of attention has a role to play in the process. Being cold, distant and harsh does not solve the problem. We don’t fight darkness by barking and shouting at it- we introduce light. Mothers can play the blame game too. They may say something like, “If you were a better father who was around this wouldn’t happen.” The shock of the unrepentant irresponsible parent will be on that final Judgement day when they stand before a Holy Father who requires them to account for the children he gave them as a gift. God forbid they give an Adam response, “This spouse that you gave me...” Adams even blame a Holy God for their problems. The irresponsible parent tends to use intimidation and fear to punish the child hoping that they will change. They send the child to sleep without food. They ban all Internet and TV use. They take away their smart phone. They banish them from using the computer. They take away their laptop.  Guess what, if you take away the computer, your child will watch the porn in the neighbour’s house. Fighting the child this way is dealing with symptoms and maintaining the root problem- a lustful corrupt heart. This parent tends to shame the child. They call every aunty, uncle, neighbour and announce how their kid is addicted to porn and how they can’t believe it. This parents makes themselves feel better by removing all blame from themselves. Don’t do this, Beloved. If you shame your child, be assured that no amount of saying sorry will take away the scars in their life. This parent can also be self-righteous and tell the child things like, “I never did such nonsense when I was your age.” Once again, you need to allow the moral high horse to gallop away, dear parent. How? I will now show you.

6. Take initiative (The godly parent)

You found out that your teenager been watching porn. Firstly, realize that you are the parent. That means we will not have screaming matches with the teenager to see who has the highest decibels. This is a child given to you by God. You have authority over them but you also have a mandate to love them. I’ve often heard that parenting is an incredibly unrewarding process- I believe that helps us to practise our faith muscles and to love unconditionally. You need to fuse love and mandate. If you use affection alone, you will spoil the child. If you use authority alone, you will break the child. If you use both like Christ, you will build the child. The prerequisite to handling the issue is to meet with your spouse and talking it over first. Let all the motions and emotions occur when the child is not present because they are possibly violent or hurtful at the onset. Your spouse is your team partner. You blame them, you lose. Let your anger, hurt and frustration cool down. This does not mean you do not let the child know how hurt and angry you are later. We can express anger, frustration and hurt in healthy non-sinful ways. Discuss the issue with your spouse. If you are a single parent, you can do it alone, but I suggest you get the spiritual leader in case you tend to overreact or become enmeshed. If you are both born-again Christians, take a fast and pray together. If your spouse is unreasonable, you may need a third party in this first meeting. A sound spiritual leader is my advice. Plan for a meeting with the child and plan what to say and what NOT to say. You want a restored child not a scarred one.