Have you given up on love? Men and women walking with God who get into serious
relationships need to be patient with each other during difficult times. Often
I have heard of two well-meaning people who lose a good relationship at the
first sign of trouble. When the mushy feeling disappeared, when one ate ugali
with their fingers instead of using a fork, when one said something un-classy
etc. Many of these things are simple flaws yet you find men and women
abandoning ship. If he mismatched his shoes and shirt, if she burped in public,
if he farted loudly or if she was late for a date and other flaws that are not
necessarily habitual, you find men and women giving up so fast on a good
relationship. Why? Because we misunderstand what true love really is. Beloved,
you could be missing out on a potential husband/wife who can actually change
some of these minor flaws. It’s not the simplicity of the flaws that’s the
issue here. It is your misconception of true love. But not everyone gives up on
love in relationships because of minor flaws. Some of you have been terribly
hurt in past relationships and in your vitriol proved that you would never love
again. You even believed you were going to get married but things went south.
The unfortunate thing about a heart-break is that the victim often cannot
listen to reason. The truth is, however, that after time has helped them forget
the pain, they often revoke their words. The truth is, many even try
relationships once more. The ones who choose to remain bitter at the opposite
sex often try justifying their position by witch-hunting for flaws among men
and women. These people could even swear that unless it is logical, love ceases
meaning. The issue with all groups of people in this paragraph is an untrained
and possibly unseen view of true love. This is the anatomy of love 101 for the
one who gives up too quickly.
Gym your heart
The physical human heart is a muscle. I see this as
a dim reflection of the unseen heart that loves- the heart in David that was
after God’s own, the heart in Esther when she stood up for her people, the
heart in Christ when he went up on the cross. That heart too is an unseen
muscle that must be trained. For it to act, it must have a proper grasp on what
true love is. Otherwise if it gets no training like the physical heart does
through pumping blood, it will die and render the human being loveless. People
who have been through painful heartbreaks need to train their hearts to love
again. People who dismiss others easily on flimsy grounds need that kind of
training too. The heart in David and Esther wasn’t a natural love. David did
not naturally love the Lord. Esther did not naturally love her people to the
point of risking her own life. And even our Lord, Jesus battled internally and
sweated what was like beads of blood before he accepted the cross. Our own
hearts need to change in order to experience true love, especially with the
opposite sex. The human heart cannot love naturally. Forget the sentimentalism
of Disney sparks that the world falsely and immaturely calls love. I'm talking
of real passionate commitment towards others. That doesn't come easy or
naturally. It may seem to do so when the relationship is new and the marriage
is but a few weeks old, however its full phase and truest nature is manifest
when the mushy feelings disappear and offences occur. A human heart at that
point needs real training to be patient, kind, non-vengeful, with pleasant
thoughts, selfless and characteristic of all virtue. If that training does not
take place, even men and women with good intentions will give up on good
relationships. Before you gym your heart, you need to understand the anatomy of love.
Love anatomy
Imagine love manifested in three concentric
circles. C.S. Lewis in The Screwtape Letters describes the outermost circle as
emotional affection. The middle circle is intellectual and the innermost
concentric circle is will. For the purposes of clarity, let me define the
three. Emotional affection is prolonged imaginings and feel-good desires which
often may have impossible outcomes. E.g. I will marry Kim Kardashian
one day when she breaks up with Kanye. Intellect is the rationale
capacity that enables us to comprehend how things are. E.g.If he loves
me, he will get me a gift for my birthday. If he doesn’t he does not love me. Will
is the intentional, uncoerced and selfless power to act on what is right regardless
of opposing forces. E.g. She said many nasty things to me, but I will
hold my tongue and be kind to her.
Emotional Affection Circle
We experience parts of love emotionally on the
outermost concentric circle. E.g. we get flaccid when our crush walks into a
room. We imagine holding their hand and the dopamine goes ballistic! When a
girl or guy writes to me and says that their partner is leaving the
relationship because the spark feeling is gone, I tell them that their partner
has a limited, incomplete and unrealistic interpretation of love. They are
living on the outermost concentric circle of emotional affection. For them love
must be with romantic emotions 24/7. For them, love is Snow White and
Cinderella feeling swoon under the arms of Prince Charming. You will be
surprised that even grown men and women believe that this vanity should be the
defining point of a relationship with the opposite sex. They likely believe
that there is such a thing as “the one”- one person in the whole world God has
destined them to marry. Because of this, they are picky and if not careful,
they could be picky until kingdom come. Perfect partners do not exist. They
only exist in TV screens and they are reading a director’s script to generate
ratings and sales. Am I saying that love shouldn’t be emotional? No. What I’m
putting out is that it is highly immature to expect love's chief characteristic
to be purely emotional for the rest of your life. The reality that the
emotional affection circle does not like to hear is that relationships will
have fights, bad days, anger, frustration and even distracting people who are
“sexier” than your partner. If you don’t accept that, you will plunge yourself
in a sea of deep disappointment. To constrict love to this circle is dangerous because
men and women can go through umpteen empty relationships and still not find
“the one”. I’m not saying the emotions aren’t real. Yes, we do experience the
steamy emotions. In fact I still have the hots for my wife! I look forward to
romantic Friday nights, all alone. But we cannot restrict love to this circle.
Emotions cannot fuel a relationship forever to keep it going, beloved. It is a
fantasy if it limits our understanding of love, because as soon as trouble sets
in, it disappears.
Intellectual Circle
We experience love rationally on the concentric
circle of intellect. E.g. a child knows a parent loves them because the parent
provides materially, expresses physical affection through hugs and touch. The
intellectual circle interprets these actions as signs of love. There is a need.
It is met. I am loved. Love at this circle is important but it’s not sufficient
to define love either. Love restricted to the intellect can be very
conditional. Men and women can place ifs and becauses to
justify remaining in abusive relationships. He loves me because he
bought me a gift. But have you factored in the fact that he hits you? She
loves me because she spent the weekend with me? But have you factored
in the fact that she has done so with everyone else. Not everything logical
means love. Men and women can do logical things unlovingly. I have also often
received emails and talked to several person who say, “If she loved me, she
wouldn’t have said that.” “If he loved me, he would have gotten me the right
gift.” If love is restricted to an intellectual, logical circle, there will be
no room for imperfection when the gift is not bought.
This is not to condone
irresponsible talk and ignorance of one’s love languages in the name of
imperfection. Nay. However, love at this level needs to comprehend that not
everything can be reasoned out. And if reason is the core of love, then people
who hate us black can give us gifts maliciously and we can call it affection.
Love at this circle can be marred by hypocrisy. It needs emotion but it also
needs a special ingredient. Will.
Will Circle
The third and deepest expression and knowledge of
love occurs on the will circle. This is love that chooses to act even when the
emotions of the outer circle are depleted. This is love that acts even when the
intellectual interpretation demands that the recompense deserved is punishment
and not affection. The love in the will circle does not override feelings and
intellect; it merely acts in spite of them. The love of the will chooses
to act not "because of" but rather "despite of". The
training of true, undying, lasting love occurs in the arena of the will. The
heart becomes a trained muscle that can love despite emotion and reason. This
love is called by the those in the emotional circle, unromantic. This love is
called by those in the intellectual circle, unreasonable. But this same love is
what is called by God, true love. You see love governed by will automatically
covers the emotions and the intellect.
Love in the will circle knows that if it loves even
when the feelings are gone, the relationship will last and deeper everlasting
feelings will develop that the emotional affection circle knows not of. Love in
the will circle is also logical. It knows that if it chooses to call an
“unmissed’ family member, be good to their frustrating spouse, be kind to those
that irritate them and choose to speak in calmness in tense situations, the
best outcome will emerge. Love of the will knows that Proverbs 15:1 is the best
way to settle an argument. A gentle answer turns
away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Prov 15:1). You see to love like this is
not mechanical. To love like this is not impossible.
To love like this is not burdensome. To love like
this is practised. Where? Is there a school for it? Yes. The school is through
a personal relationship with Christ. Christ is the epitome of love in the will
circle. Christ endured insults, mockery, whips, and even murder only to forgive
these very people. And those people include you and I. That kind of love washes
away the sinfulness of humanity. And anyone that accepts Christ by confessing
his Lordship with their mouth and believing in their heart that God raised him
from the dead shall begin to be schooled on how to love like this. This love is
what makes good marriages enviable. This love is what makes a true follower of
Christ admirable. This love is what makes relationships with the opposite sex
beautiful. But realize this beloved, that this love is not sourced from fellow
humans. This love is sourced from Christ directly. You don’t need a boyfriend
or girlfriend to experience it. You just need to look at the cross. You need to
see that when you were unlovable, he took your pain, whips, chains, death and
gave you his reward. If you source it from Christ, you have it and it is
enough. This love, forgives all things, endures all things, believes all things
and trains the muscles of our heart to never give up on each other. Don’t give
up on love!